I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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