I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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