I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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