wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize