checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
