i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
