I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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