i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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