On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
