Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
