Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
