I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we're making bets on your personal life
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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