chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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