I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I touched a dick in church today
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
