I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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