I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
