Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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