Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
