On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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