seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
