Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
