I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
