Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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