Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
