Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
