I cannot find my penis.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
