I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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