she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
