Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
