sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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