You're my little dorito
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
