My underwear smells like fireworks.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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