I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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