I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
