I want to stick my p in your. b.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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