that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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