Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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