Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
