how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
