and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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