i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
