if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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