i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
