i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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