im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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