so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
