i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize