I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
