I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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