when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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