Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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