Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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