I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
