I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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