And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
