Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
