just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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