I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
