If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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