I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
being pregnant is like rehab
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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