I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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