I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
