my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize