i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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